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As Ellen Bravo, director of the Family Values @ Workconsortium, observed, most “women are not thinking about ‘having it all,’ they’re worried aboutlosing it all—their jobs, their children’s health, their families’ financial stability—because of theregular conflicts that arise between being a good employee and a responsible parent.”
For many men, the fundamental assumption is that they can have both a successful professional lifeand a fulfilling personal life. For many women, the assumption is that trying to do both is difficult atbest and impossible at worst. Women are surrounded by headlines and stories warning them that theycannot be committed to both their families and careers. They are told over and over again that theyhave to choose, because if they try to do too much, they’ll be harried and unhappy. Framing the issueas “work-life balance”—as if the two were diametrically opposed—practically ensures work will loseout. Who would ever choose work over life?
The good news is that not only can women have both families and careers, they can thrive whiledoing so. In 2009, Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober published Getting to 50/50, a comprehensivereview of governmental, social science, and original research that led them to conclude that children,parents, and marriages can all flourish when both parents have full careers. The data plainly reveal thatsharing financial and child-care responsibilities leads to less guilty moms, more involved dads, andthriving children.
Professor Rosalind Chait Barnett of Brandeis University did a comprehensivereview of studies on work-life balance and found that women who participate in multiple rolesactually have lower levels of anxiety and higher levels of mental well-being.
Employed women reaprewards including greater financial security, more stable marriages, better health, and, in general,increased life satisfaction.
It may not be as dramatic or funny to make a movie about a woman who loves both her job and herfamily, but that would be a better reflection of reality. We need more portrayals of women ascompetent professionals and happy mothers—or even happy professionals and competent mothers.
The current negative images may make us laugh, but they also make women unnecessarily fearful bypresenting life’s challenges as insurmountable. Our culture remains baffled: I don’t know how shedoes it.
Fear is at the root of so many of the barriers that women face. Fear of not being liked. Fear ofmaking the wrong choice. Fear of drawing negative attention. Fear of overreaching. Fear of beingjudged. Fear of failure. And the holy trinity of fear: the fear of being a bad mother/wife/daughter.
Without fear, women can pursue professional success and personal fulfillment—and freely chooseone, or the other, or both. At Facebook, we work hard to create a culture where people are encouragedto take risks. We have posters all around the office that reinforce this attitude. In bright red letters, onedeclares, “Fortune favors the bold.” Another insists, “Proceed and be bold.” My favorite reads, “Whatwould you do if you weren’t afraid?”
In 2011, Debora Spar, president of Barnard College, an all-women’s liberal arts school in NewYork City, invited me to deliver its commencement address. This speech was the first time I openlydiscussed the leadership ambition gap. Standing on the podium, I felt nervous. I told the members ofthe graduating class that they should be ambitious not just in pursuing their dreams but in aspiring tobecome leaders in their fields. I knew this message could be misinterpreted as my judging women fornot making the same choices that I have. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I believe that choicemeans choice for all of us. But I also believe that we need to do more to encourage women to reach forleadership roles. If we can’t tell women to aim high at a college graduation, when can we?
As I addressed the enthusiastic women, I found myself fighting back tears. I made it through thespeech and concluded with this:
You are the promise for a more equal world. So my hope for everyone here is that after you walkacross this stage, after you get your diploma, after you go out tonight and celebrate hard—youthen will lean way in to your career. You will find something you love doing and you will do itwith gusto. Find the right career for you and go all the way to the top.
As you walk off this stage today, you start your adult life. Start out by aiming high. Try—andtry hard.
Like everyone here, I have great hopes for the members of this graduating class. I hope youfind true meaning, contentment, and passion in your life. I hope you navigate the difficult timesand come out with greater strength and resolve. I hope you find whatever balance you seek withyour eyes wide open. And I hope that you—yes, you—have the ambition to lean in to yourcareer and run the world. Because the world needs you to change it. Women all around the worldare counting on you.
So please ask yourself: What would I do if I weren’t afraid? And then go do it.
As the graduates were called to the stage to collect their diplomas, I shook every hand. Manystopped to give me a hug. One young woman even told me I was “the baddest bitch” (which, havingchecked with someone later, actually did turn out to be a compliment).
I know my speech was meant to motivate them, but they actually motivated me. In the months thatfollowed, I started thinking that I should speak up more often and more publicly about these issues. Ishould urge more women to believe in themselves and aspire to lead. I should urge more men tobecome part of the solution by supporting women in the workforce and at home. And I should not justspeak in front of friendly crowds at Barnard. I should seek out larger, possibly less sympatheticaudiences. I should take my own advice and be ambitious.
Writing this book is not just me encouraging others to lean in. This is me leaning in. Writing thisbook is what I would do if I weren’t afraid.